Some of you may be interested or even fascinated by the discipline of mantra, but feel somewhat overwhelmed by the array of mantras and disciplines, astotaras and pujas you find in these pages. If so, then this chapter will be of use to you. The next few pages contain some simple mantras and their common application. They have been compiled from other chapters throughout the rest of this book, drawn from the various headings of the deities or principles involved. These mantras address various life issues which we all face from time to time. If you want more information or more mantras relating to the deities or principles involved, consult the appropriate chapter.
Ganesha: Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha
Rough Translation: 'Om and salutations to the remover of obstacles for which Gum is the seed.'
The story of Ganesha is found in the chapter devoted to this principle. But for your immediate need, you need only know that for seen or unseen obstacles which seem to be standing in the way of your progress or achievement, either specifically or generally, this mantra has proved invaluable. It has been used it with great success not only in India, but here in the West dozens of people have related to me their success in turning things around in their life by using this mantra.
Lakshmi: Om Shrim Mahalakshmiyei Swaha
Rough Translation: 'Om and salutations to that feminine energy which bestows all manner of wealth, and for which Shrim is the seed'
This mantra has not only been used for the purpose of attracting prosperity, but also for drawing in proper friends, clearing up family misunderstandings and quarrels, and smoothing some health problems. As we all know, there are many different kinds of wealth. As you use this mantra, focus on the kind of wealth you wish to manifest in your life.
Durga: Om Dum Durgayei Namaha
Rough Translation: 'Om and Salutations to that feminine energy which protects from all manner of negative influences, and for which Dum is the seed.'
Durga is the Divine Protectress. Typically shown riding a lion or a tiger, Durga has a hundred arms, each with a different weapon of destruction. Yet her face is exquisitely beautiful to behold. The interpretation is that to the pious and the sincere seeker after truth, her sight can produce ecstacy and a variety of beautiful forms. But the negative, harmful or demonic, her countenance is as terrible as Kali, except she shows more weapons of destruction than Kali (who is described later).
Saraswati: Om Eim Saraswatyei Swaha
Rough Translation: 'Om and salutations to that feminine energy which informs all artistic and scholastic endeavor, and for which Eim (pronounced I'm) is the seed.'
Saraswati holds a musical instrument, the vina, in one hand and a rosary in another hand. She spans the world of mundane knowledge and spiritual understanding. Those pursuing any artistic or educational endeavor whatsoever will gain greatly from the practice of this mantra.
Shiva: Om Namah Shivaya
This mantra has no approximate translation. The sounds related directly to the principles which govern each of the first six chakras on the spine...Earth, water, fire, air, ether. Notice that this does not refer to the chakras themselves which have a different set of seed sounds, but rather the principles which govern those chakras in their place. A very rough, non-literal translation could be something like, 'Om and salutations to that which I am capable of becoming.' This mantra will start one out on the path of subtle development of spiritual attainments. It is the beginning on the path of Siddha Yoga, or the Yoga of Perfection of the Divine Vehicle.
Rama: Om Sri Rama Jaya Rama, Jaya, Jaya Rama
Rough Translation: 'Om and Victory to Rama (the self within), victory, victory to Rama.'
Rama was an Avatar who came several thousand years ago. His sole purpose was to show how a person should live a Divine Life while living in a human body. A short story about the esoteric meaning of his life is found in the chapter devoted to him. You will recall from the previous chapter that Mahatma Gandhi practiced this mantra for over 60 years. This mantra will 'take one across' the ocean of rebirth. In a more immediate way, it is most powerful in reducing negative karmic effects no matter in which life they might have occurred. I have also had a powerful spiritual healing experience (for another person), while using this mantra intensely.
The Planet Saturn: Om Sri Shanaishwaraya Swaha
Rough translation: 'Om and salutations to the presiding spirit in the planet Saturn.'
Saturn is the planet of lessons. It is closely related to the karma we may encounter in a given lifetime. It also stands as a gatekeeper to some of the higher vibrations to which we aspire though spiritual development. By offering salutations outwardly, one clears certain internal obstructing energy patterns. But Saturn has received an overly negative reputation from some astrologers. There have been circumstances where very positive things manifested in people's lives unexpectedly, apparently as a direct result of working with this mantra.
Internally, Saturn energy is predominant in the spleen, knees and skeletal system. However, as Saturn moves through the various astrological signs, it 'triggers' karma we may have stored under astrological configurations found in that sign. Therefore, the use of the Saturn mantra can mitigate and even clear certain categories of karma which appear in our lives. This mantra has been used with great success personally. And I have received reports of its efficacy from many other people.
Subramanya: Om Sharavana-bhavaya Namaha
Rough translation, 'Om and salutations to the son of Shiva, who brings auspiciousness and who is chief of the celestial army.'
The positive effects of this mantra may not be so clearly seen or described as some of the others: a seeming increase in good fortune or luck; the ability to make the best of a set of circumstances which may occur; an increase in positive mental or emotional disposition; an easier route to becoming physically fit. Yet these few phrases do not begin to exhaust the benefits of using this mantra. It seems to brighten or optimize nearly everything in life.
Rama (Healing Mantra):
Om Apadamapa Hartaram Dataram Sarva Sampadam
Loka Bhi Ramam Sri Rama Bhuyo Bhuyo Namamyaham
This is a long mantra to put in a chapter for those just starting off, but is placed here because it is the most powerful healing mantra I have ever encountered. The very rough translation is, 'Om, Oh most compassionate Rama please send your healing energy right here to the earth, to the earth (twice for emphasis.)'
I have seen this mantra completely cure one person from a schizophrenic break who was in a locked ward. The psychiatrist said he would never lead a life on the outside again. In the middle of a 40 day sadhana done in his behalf, he was living in a 'halfway house' for those on the road to recovery. After 40 days of a spiritual discipline done on his behalf, he was on his own. He has since graduated from Art School which he attended on scholarship, and is working as an artist.
Another individual who was on medication, took off spurning his pills and disappeared for a time. After a 40 day sadhana done on his behalf, he had stabilized his life and was back on his medication without complaint.
A woman I know was in constant pain for four years. She undertook this discipline and after just a few weeks was in less pain than at any time she could remember over the past several years. She is still doing the mantra and expects to be pain-free relatively soon.
Although the mantra is long, it is simple to say phonetically. If you can, say it 108 times in a sitting. If you are just starting out, this may initially take up to one hour. After you are comfortable with the mantra, it will only take you 30 minutes.
Bodhisattwa Avalokiteshwara (Called Chenresig in Tibetan Buddhism):
Om Mani Padme Hum
Rough Translation: 'Om, salutations to The Jewel of Consciousness (the mind) which has reached the heart's lotus.'
This mantra is practiced more than any other in the world. It is pre-eminent in producing a state of dynamic compassion in the sayer. Dynamic means that this compassion contains as part of it the ability to powerfully manifest in both subtle and obvious ways. One of the simple yet profound teachings which accompanies this mantra is the concept that when the mind and heart become united, anything is possible. The implications of this simple thought are staggering. If you want to change the world for the better, this mantra should be in your spiritual toolbox. For more on this mantra, see the chapter on the Wesak Festival.
A dedicated group of followers of Kuan Yin use this mantra to invoke her as an emanation of Avaloketeshwara, while others use the mantra Namo Kuan Shi Yin Pu Sa.
Getting Started
Start by picking some aspect of your life you wish to improve or some vexing problem you would like to solve or dissolve. Then pick a mantra which seems, to you, to apply. Offer a prayer to God, in whatever way you relate to God. Ask for God's blessing in accomplishing your objective in doing this spiritual discipline.
Once you have decided to undertake the discipline and offered your prayers, then pick a place where you will say your mantra for a certain number of times each day. If possible, obtain a rosary of some kind and do your mantras in some multiple of 108. If getting a rosary is not possible, then decide on a certain amount of time you will spend each day saying your mantra. It can be five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes or even an hour. For your first experience, any time up to twenty minutes is advisable.
The reason for taking things easy for the first 40 day commitment is due to the cumulative action of the mantra. For the first few days, all will probably go smoothly. Then as you progress, you may find that things start to get in the way of your doing the discipline: You oversleep; there is some minor emergency; you get a cold, whatever. This means that you are beginning to effect the inner 'something' for which you undertook the mantra. You are beginning to encounter inner resistance. That inner resistance manifests as outer obstacles to your discipline. It has almost become a joke in many spiritual circles in which the practice of mantra is common, that something of a very surprising nature happened on day 33 or 35 of a 40 day sadhana. It has happened to me and many others with whom I have spoken on innumerable occasions over the last 22 years.
Develop a sense of humor about it, and be thankful. There is no better indication that your efforts are working than to have small upheavals in your life while you are in the midst of a 40 day mantra discipline. Ask anyone who has undertaken one and they will have some interesting stories for you.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK MANTRA TOTEM.
Hi friends, I'm not superstitious but these mantras help in ur life.
THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK MANTRA TOTEM.
You may not believe in this but the advice is great! Read all the way down, you might discover something new!!!
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.
THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK MANTRA TOTEM.
You may not believe in this but the advice is great! Read all the way down, you might discover something new!!!
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.
Friday, October 15, 2010
7 out of 10 People Marry Someone They're "Socially Connected" To
Lovelies:
A few weeks ago, while reading a New York Times article about evolution+dating, I came to a passage that I found particularly interesting. It said that a great way for a person to increase his or her odds of meeting a mate was simply by making more of an effort to tap into his or her social networks.
The NYT story went on to say that:
... a landmark 1992 Chicago sex survey of 3,432 adults ages 18 to 59, ... found that 68 percent of married people in the survey reported meeting their spouse through a friend, family member or other mutual acquaintance.
The story also mentions a new book, Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, that is coming out next month. Co-written by Dr. Nicholas A. Christakis of Harvard Medical School and James H. Fowler, a political scientist at UC-San Diego, the author cite the Chicago study when arguing that dating is not a random process. They also help to illustrate the staggering number of people we are connected to, through three degrees of separation:
If you are single and you know 20 people reasonably well, and if each of them knows 20 other people, and each of them knows 20 other people, then you are connected to 8,000 people who are three degrees away. And one of them is likely to be your future spouse.
Wow!
The Chicago study would suggest that most of us don't have to waste our time online dating--or even flirting! Rather, we should get busy asking our friends to set us up; going to parties that people we know invite us to; and perusing our friends' Facebook friends to see if we can find people we're interested in.
At the same time, I wonder how things have changed since the Chicago study was done, almost twenty years ago. Since the dawn of Internet dating, do more people now marry complete strangers? And how do marriages of people who are socially connected beforehand compare to the marriages of people who were initially complete strangers, in terms of things like self-reported happiness and duration of marriage?
Anyway, once Christakis's book comes out, I'm hopeful he'll do an interview with me for the blog, so we can have all these questions answered then.
xxx
A few weeks ago, while reading a New York Times article about evolution+dating, I came to a passage that I found particularly interesting. It said that a great way for a person to increase his or her odds of meeting a mate was simply by making more of an effort to tap into his or her social networks.
The NYT story went on to say that:
... a landmark 1992 Chicago sex survey of 3,432 adults ages 18 to 59, ... found that 68 percent of married people in the survey reported meeting their spouse through a friend, family member or other mutual acquaintance.
The story also mentions a new book, Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, that is coming out next month. Co-written by Dr. Nicholas A. Christakis of Harvard Medical School and James H. Fowler, a political scientist at UC-San Diego, the author cite the Chicago study when arguing that dating is not a random process. They also help to illustrate the staggering number of people we are connected to, through three degrees of separation:
If you are single and you know 20 people reasonably well, and if each of them knows 20 other people, and each of them knows 20 other people, then you are connected to 8,000 people who are three degrees away. And one of them is likely to be your future spouse.
Wow!
The Chicago study would suggest that most of us don't have to waste our time online dating--or even flirting! Rather, we should get busy asking our friends to set us up; going to parties that people we know invite us to; and perusing our friends' Facebook friends to see if we can find people we're interested in.
At the same time, I wonder how things have changed since the Chicago study was done, almost twenty years ago. Since the dawn of Internet dating, do more people now marry complete strangers? And how do marriages of people who are socially connected beforehand compare to the marriages of people who were initially complete strangers, in terms of things like self-reported happiness and duration of marriage?
Anyway, once Christakis's book comes out, I'm hopeful he'll do an interview with me for the blog, so we can have all these questions answered then.
xxx
3 Ways to Use Your Body to Flirt
#1: HOW TO "MIRROR" SOMEONE YOU'RE HAVING A FUN FLIRTATION WITH
ME: In you book, you say a person mirror his or her date’s movement if he/she likes her/him. Can you tell us how to "mirror"?
JUDY: Mirroring your date’s movements—a practice known as the chameleon effect—conveys that you two are on the same wavelength, which can enhance your rapport. So if your date crosses his legs, cross yours. If he takes a swig of his drink, sip yours. Or, just ask your date to dance. Dancing forces you to mirror each other’s movements, which is why it’s such a surefire romantic mood-setter.
#2: THE GESTURE THAT WILL MAKE SOMEONE WANT TO CUDDLE WITH YOU
ME: Wow! Cool! Who knew there was a science to the dancing thing!
You also say, in your book, that “aw, shucks” gestures—like shrugging or turning up your palm—are good in a flirty situation. Why's that?
JUDY: One goal of flirting is to advertise your friendly intentions. An upturned palm is a way to say “I have nothing to hide.” (In ancient times it probably meant “I’m not holding a rock to throw at you.”) Shrugging your shoulders, a gesture known among biologists as the “cute response,” crops up unconsciously when we see babies or puppies. It essentially says, “You’re cute! Let’s cuddle!” And that works wonders in a dating scenario as well.
#3: GETTING INTO SOMEONE'S PERSONAL SPACE--IN A GOOD WAY
ME: You write that it’s a good idea to get into someone’s personal space a little. Why's that? And how should you do it? When should you get OUT of their personal space?
JUDY: The bubble of air eighteen inches around someone’s body is their “intimate space”—a no-go zone when you first meet someone. To test the waters and see if someone’s up for you breaking through this barrier, find an excuse to step briefly into this zone—say, by allowing someone behind you to pass, or to grab an appetizer off a wandering tray—then step back out again. If this person is drawn to you, he or she will respond by stepping in closer after you’ve backed off.
ME: Let’s say you are flirting with someone and you want to take things up a notch without coming on too strong. Should you touch the person in question? Where is a good place to touch? I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that anything below the belt and above the thigh is not such a great idea.
JUDY: Right! One safe option is to touch someone’s forearm or elbow—it will seem friendly, but not too friendly. In one experiment where waitresses were asked to touch customers’ forearms while handing over a menu, these waitresses received much higher tips than those who didn’t touch the forearm. This suggests that touch magically warms people up to your presence.
ME: Finally... I noticed a study mentioned in your book about how it's not just men who look at boobs. As it turns out, ladies will often sneak a glance at men’s private parts! Really?
JUDY: You bet! Women are just better at hiding the fact that they check out the goods on a guy. This is due to their higher powers of peripheral vision. Typically, women’s peripheral vision extends 45 degrees to the sides, above, and below where they’re looking. Men’s peripheral vision, on the other hand, is much narrower in scope. Men can spot things far in front of them—which was probably great for hunting in ancient times, but not so great when you’re trying to sneak a peak at something hovering along the outskirts. In one experiment, research team Alan and Barbara Pease took men and women to a nudist camp and filmed their eye movements. Men were clearly staring agog at women’s boobs, butts, and privates, even though they swore they were trying to hide it. Women, however, claimed they were constantly sneaking peaks at men’s packages, but never once looked like they were.
I guess the moral of the story for women is this: If a man’s talking to your boobs, give him a break, since you’re probably checking out the goods on him, too.
-----------------------
DEAR COMMENTERS: Thanks for all your advice this week! And XenZen, Ray, Edwinna, Wondergirl, Maddy, Agustina, Angela, Alexandra: thanks for giving me a little talking-to yesterday. Yes, sometimes I need a kick in my well-toned butt. (Ha!)
And I think it's worth repeating the advice Wondergirl gave me: "You must believe with every fiber of your being that you are going to find the right person for you." Amen to that, sister.
Oh, and Alexandra: one thing: I really don't think this guy is quite the person for me. (He also didn't ask ME on a second date.) So, I think it's okay to let things more or less slide at this point (though we'll remain friendly).
Also, Edwinna, I DID look into the Meet Up thing. There's some bluegrass thing that looks pretty cool ... I'll have to get on that.
ME: In you book, you say a person mirror his or her date’s movement if he/she likes her/him. Can you tell us how to "mirror"?
JUDY: Mirroring your date’s movements—a practice known as the chameleon effect—conveys that you two are on the same wavelength, which can enhance your rapport. So if your date crosses his legs, cross yours. If he takes a swig of his drink, sip yours. Or, just ask your date to dance. Dancing forces you to mirror each other’s movements, which is why it’s such a surefire romantic mood-setter.
#2: THE GESTURE THAT WILL MAKE SOMEONE WANT TO CUDDLE WITH YOU
ME: Wow! Cool! Who knew there was a science to the dancing thing!
You also say, in your book, that “aw, shucks” gestures—like shrugging or turning up your palm—are good in a flirty situation. Why's that?
JUDY: One goal of flirting is to advertise your friendly intentions. An upturned palm is a way to say “I have nothing to hide.” (In ancient times it probably meant “I’m not holding a rock to throw at you.”) Shrugging your shoulders, a gesture known among biologists as the “cute response,” crops up unconsciously when we see babies or puppies. It essentially says, “You’re cute! Let’s cuddle!” And that works wonders in a dating scenario as well.
#3: GETTING INTO SOMEONE'S PERSONAL SPACE--IN A GOOD WAY
ME: You write that it’s a good idea to get into someone’s personal space a little. Why's that? And how should you do it? When should you get OUT of their personal space?
JUDY: The bubble of air eighteen inches around someone’s body is their “intimate space”—a no-go zone when you first meet someone. To test the waters and see if someone’s up for you breaking through this barrier, find an excuse to step briefly into this zone—say, by allowing someone behind you to pass, or to grab an appetizer off a wandering tray—then step back out again. If this person is drawn to you, he or she will respond by stepping in closer after you’ve backed off.
ME: Let’s say you are flirting with someone and you want to take things up a notch without coming on too strong. Should you touch the person in question? Where is a good place to touch? I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that anything below the belt and above the thigh is not such a great idea.
JUDY: Right! One safe option is to touch someone’s forearm or elbow—it will seem friendly, but not too friendly. In one experiment where waitresses were asked to touch customers’ forearms while handing over a menu, these waitresses received much higher tips than those who didn’t touch the forearm. This suggests that touch magically warms people up to your presence.
ME: Finally... I noticed a study mentioned in your book about how it's not just men who look at boobs. As it turns out, ladies will often sneak a glance at men’s private parts! Really?
JUDY: You bet! Women are just better at hiding the fact that they check out the goods on a guy. This is due to their higher powers of peripheral vision. Typically, women’s peripheral vision extends 45 degrees to the sides, above, and below where they’re looking. Men’s peripheral vision, on the other hand, is much narrower in scope. Men can spot things far in front of them—which was probably great for hunting in ancient times, but not so great when you’re trying to sneak a peak at something hovering along the outskirts. In one experiment, research team Alan and Barbara Pease took men and women to a nudist camp and filmed their eye movements. Men were clearly staring agog at women’s boobs, butts, and privates, even though they swore they were trying to hide it. Women, however, claimed they were constantly sneaking peaks at men’s packages, but never once looked like they were.
I guess the moral of the story for women is this: If a man’s talking to your boobs, give him a break, since you’re probably checking out the goods on him, too.
-----------------------
DEAR COMMENTERS: Thanks for all your advice this week! And XenZen, Ray, Edwinna, Wondergirl, Maddy, Agustina, Angela, Alexandra: thanks for giving me a little talking-to yesterday. Yes, sometimes I need a kick in my well-toned butt. (Ha!)
And I think it's worth repeating the advice Wondergirl gave me: "You must believe with every fiber of your being that you are going to find the right person for you." Amen to that, sister.
Oh, and Alexandra: one thing: I really don't think this guy is quite the person for me. (He also didn't ask ME on a second date.) So, I think it's okay to let things more or less slide at this point (though we'll remain friendly).
Also, Edwinna, I DID look into the Meet Up thing. There's some bluegrass thing that looks pretty cool ... I'll have to get on that.
5 Pointers on Flirting While Using Public Transportation
Hmm. I'm slightly depressed today, partly because the antidepressants I started taking in December are killing my metabolism, and I've gained a little weight despite the fact that I'm eating substantially less. (Ironic, no? Anti-D's making me depressed? But overall, they're helping a lot, particularly with my chronic insomnia problem, so I shouldn't complain.) Another thing that has me ever-so-slightly down is that so many of my single girlfriends seem to be hooking up with people! For instance, one of my cronies — who shall remain nameless — who has the world's perkiest boobs (while mine are about as upright as two drunkards after a long night at the bar) — she, my perky-breasted friend, made out with this great guy we know. Another one of my girlfriends just got out of a mini-relationship, and to cheer her up, I arranged a date between her and one of my male buddies; and now THAT seems to be going well. A third chick I know is having a no-strings-attached affair with some dude. And I got nothing. Unless you count Singer, which I don't. No disrespect to him, but there's not enough grist there to even properly call it a fling.
So here I sit, eating low-fat yogurt and clipping my toenails.
I know what you're thinking: Get out there and flirt, ya dope! And you're right.
Although last night, I sort of met a stranger. I had my session with Dr. H. (Which was pretty boring. We talked a little about my financial worries — I haven't made very much money this year — and about my usual not-good-enough self-esteem issues. Also a little bit about Singer and how, crazy as it probably sounds, I've learned a few good communication lessons from him.) Anyway, after the couch-time, I went to the gym, to Whole Foods, and then hopped on the subway to get home, thinking Must flirt, must flirt, must flirt! Must get fodder for blog!
And sitting across from me was an attractive-enough guy, who looked like he was of Southeast Asian descent, reading a novel I've heard a lot of good things about: Roberto Bolaño's 2666. A perfect opening, I told myself. Just ask him how it is. But he was too far away ... and he seemed so engrossed in his book ... and station after station passed ... and I couldn't open my mouth ...
At Times Square, a mob of Midwesterners streamed onto our subway car, and I took advantage of the diversion to slip across the aisle, and plant myself diagonal to Bolaño. He didn't notice me ... but I noticed the ring on his finger. Married. The stakes were gone. Which is why I was then completely capable of saying, "Hey, do you like the book?" without breaking a sweat.
I know, I know: That totally didn't count. But at least it was a little warm-up, right? (By the way, he's totally digging the book, which is something of a postmodern detective story.)
Here are some of my thoughts about the best ways to flirt while availing of the public transportation system in your fine city, town, or hamlet:
-Choose your seat wisely. It's a lot more natural to get close, conversationally, if you're not three rows back. But don't feel too self-conscious about making a strategic seat-change either. Chances are, the guy is never going to notice — and if he does, he might just be checking you out, too.
-If a guy's reading something, ask him about it. But don't just say, like I did, "Do you like that book?" Because then you're at risk of getting a one-word answer. Ask something more open-ended, like: "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but you seem to be enjoying that book. May I ask what it's about?" If the dude's got a newspaper or magazine, you might want to ask if there are any must-read articles in it.
-Remember that the two of you have at least one thing in common: You're traveling along the same route. So you could ask a question about how many stops the train will make before yours, how long it might take to get there, or which station is closest to your final destination.
-Keep this thought in your head all the time: I'm never going to see this person again if I don't talk to him now ... so what do I have to lose?
If you guys have any thoughts about how best to engage sexy strangers on planes, trains, or subway platforms, please let me know!
Later. xxx.
So here I sit, eating low-fat yogurt and clipping my toenails.
I know what you're thinking: Get out there and flirt, ya dope! And you're right.
Although last night, I sort of met a stranger. I had my session with Dr. H. (Which was pretty boring. We talked a little about my financial worries — I haven't made very much money this year — and about my usual not-good-enough self-esteem issues. Also a little bit about Singer and how, crazy as it probably sounds, I've learned a few good communication lessons from him.) Anyway, after the couch-time, I went to the gym, to Whole Foods, and then hopped on the subway to get home, thinking Must flirt, must flirt, must flirt! Must get fodder for blog!
And sitting across from me was an attractive-enough guy, who looked like he was of Southeast Asian descent, reading a novel I've heard a lot of good things about: Roberto Bolaño's 2666. A perfect opening, I told myself. Just ask him how it is. But he was too far away ... and he seemed so engrossed in his book ... and station after station passed ... and I couldn't open my mouth ...
At Times Square, a mob of Midwesterners streamed onto our subway car, and I took advantage of the diversion to slip across the aisle, and plant myself diagonal to Bolaño. He didn't notice me ... but I noticed the ring on his finger. Married. The stakes were gone. Which is why I was then completely capable of saying, "Hey, do you like the book?" without breaking a sweat.
I know, I know: That totally didn't count. But at least it was a little warm-up, right? (By the way, he's totally digging the book, which is something of a postmodern detective story.)
Here are some of my thoughts about the best ways to flirt while availing of the public transportation system in your fine city, town, or hamlet:
-Choose your seat wisely. It's a lot more natural to get close, conversationally, if you're not three rows back. But don't feel too self-conscious about making a strategic seat-change either. Chances are, the guy is never going to notice — and if he does, he might just be checking you out, too.
-If a guy's reading something, ask him about it. But don't just say, like I did, "Do you like that book?" Because then you're at risk of getting a one-word answer. Ask something more open-ended, like: "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but you seem to be enjoying that book. May I ask what it's about?" If the dude's got a newspaper or magazine, you might want to ask if there are any must-read articles in it.
-Remember that the two of you have at least one thing in common: You're traveling along the same route. So you could ask a question about how many stops the train will make before yours, how long it might take to get there, or which station is closest to your final destination.
-Keep this thought in your head all the time: I'm never going to see this person again if I don't talk to him now ... so what do I have to lose?
If you guys have any thoughts about how best to engage sexy strangers on planes, trains, or subway platforms, please let me know!
Later. xxx.
How to Be Happy--Even If You're Single (Tips from *The Happiness Project*)
If you’re like me—and just about every last one of my single female friends—you often think that you’d be happier if only you were in a relationship. But does being in a relationship really make you happier? And how can you make yourself happier, with or without a mate? I talked to Gretchen Rubin, the author of the popular blog The Happiness Project about all this. She had some great pointers for how single people can get more out of life—and maybe just find their way to a relationship in the process.
ME: Gretchen, much as I wish this weren’t the case, every unattached woman that I know—from my 24-year-old hairdresser to my 38-year-old former editor to my 30-year-old best lesbian buddy—wants to be with someone! Any advice on how to feel okay about being single?
GRETCHEN: Remember how much freedom you have, as a single person. You don’t have to coordinate your schedule with anyone else’s. You have all the time you want to go to the gym, see old friends, make new ones, take classes, meet new people—whatever you feel like doing. Don’t focus on what you think you’re missing. Focus on all you can do. And stop comparing yourself to other people who seem better off than you are—like everyone else who’s in a relationship. The more you do that, the less happy you’ll feel. Think, instead, about people who are worse off than you are: like everyone who’s homeless, or who’s lost their homes as a result of the mortgage crisis, or people who are struggling through a painful divorce.
ME: Are people who are in relationships actually happier than those of us who aren’t?
GRETCHEN: There is happiness that comes from being in a relationship—from giving and getting companionship and support. But if you’re not romantically involved with someone, there are other ways to find those benefits—through strong relationships with friends, for instance.
ME: Okay. I’m lucky enough to have some great friends, and to be pretty good at making new ones. But do you have any advice for people who have trouble doing that?
GRETCHEN: Join or start a group related to something you’re interested in—a book club, a knitting circle, a wine-tasting group. Lead a Girl Scout troop. Start taking a regular exercise class or going on hikes with a local organization. Go to the dog run. (Doing exercise and getting out in nature are great ways to add some happiness to your day, by the way.) And make an effort to get to know the friends of your friends! They'll be a great foundation for you in particular if you’re moving to a new city.
Another thing: I’m not the most out-going person, but I’ve made a rule for myself that I need to make three new friends in every situation . I’m always on the look-out for them, which helps keep me more open and engaging. So, if you start a new job, say, or move to a new neighborhood, look out for your new buddies.
ME: Yes, you know, I’ve been finding that just saying to myself, I should be on the look-out for someone to flirt with makes me feel more willing to talk to people, and more excited about it, too.
GRETCHEN: That's great. If you need a booster, keep in mind that studies have shown both extroverts and introverts are made happier by engaging with other people. (It’s just dependent on the situation: Introverts aren’t going to feel comfortable at a big party where they don’t know many people, for example, but will feel better in a one-on-one interaction.) In other words: Everybody likes to have a nice interaction with another person.
ME: Do you have any other tips about small ways you can make yourself happier?
GRETCHEN: My blog is full of tips about how to do that.
ME: Okay, cool. My blog is about capitalizing on all the opportunities there are in life to flirt with people--but to be able to do that best, I'm learning, I have to feel happy and confident! Any tips on how to improve self-esteem?
GRETCHEN: By doing things that you consider worthwhile or admirable. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Or, if you don’t have time, sign up to be an organ donor. It takes you 10 seconds to register and you could potentially save seven lives! Do things that you would respect in other people and you will gain self-respect. For instance, if you wish people would help you network to get a job, then help other people network. If you wish people would set you up, then set other people up.
ME: So funny—I’ve been doing a lot of that lately! (In fact, I just introduced my adorable hair dresser to someone!) And people really appreciate it. And I feel good about it, too.
GRETCHEN: See?
There are also self-contained things you can do to feel better about yourself. Like:
-Get up every morning a little early to go for a run—and stick to your new exercise routine.
-Quit smoking.
-Pay down your credit card.
Do things that you can respect—and you’ll have more respect for yourself. It’s that simple.
ME: Gretchen, much as I wish this weren’t the case, every unattached woman that I know—from my 24-year-old hairdresser to my 38-year-old former editor to my 30-year-old best lesbian buddy—wants to be with someone! Any advice on how to feel okay about being single?
GRETCHEN: Remember how much freedom you have, as a single person. You don’t have to coordinate your schedule with anyone else’s. You have all the time you want to go to the gym, see old friends, make new ones, take classes, meet new people—whatever you feel like doing. Don’t focus on what you think you’re missing. Focus on all you can do. And stop comparing yourself to other people who seem better off than you are—like everyone else who’s in a relationship. The more you do that, the less happy you’ll feel. Think, instead, about people who are worse off than you are: like everyone who’s homeless, or who’s lost their homes as a result of the mortgage crisis, or people who are struggling through a painful divorce.
ME: Are people who are in relationships actually happier than those of us who aren’t?
GRETCHEN: There is happiness that comes from being in a relationship—from giving and getting companionship and support. But if you’re not romantically involved with someone, there are other ways to find those benefits—through strong relationships with friends, for instance.
ME: Okay. I’m lucky enough to have some great friends, and to be pretty good at making new ones. But do you have any advice for people who have trouble doing that?
GRETCHEN: Join or start a group related to something you’re interested in—a book club, a knitting circle, a wine-tasting group. Lead a Girl Scout troop. Start taking a regular exercise class or going on hikes with a local organization. Go to the dog run. (Doing exercise and getting out in nature are great ways to add some happiness to your day, by the way.) And make an effort to get to know the friends of your friends! They'll be a great foundation for you in particular if you’re moving to a new city.
Another thing: I’m not the most out-going person, but I’ve made a rule for myself that I need to make three new friends in every situation . I’m always on the look-out for them, which helps keep me more open and engaging. So, if you start a new job, say, or move to a new neighborhood, look out for your new buddies.
ME: Yes, you know, I’ve been finding that just saying to myself, I should be on the look-out for someone to flirt with makes me feel more willing to talk to people, and more excited about it, too.
GRETCHEN: That's great. If you need a booster, keep in mind that studies have shown both extroverts and introverts are made happier by engaging with other people. (It’s just dependent on the situation: Introverts aren’t going to feel comfortable at a big party where they don’t know many people, for example, but will feel better in a one-on-one interaction.) In other words: Everybody likes to have a nice interaction with another person.
ME: Do you have any other tips about small ways you can make yourself happier?
GRETCHEN: My blog is full of tips about how to do that.
ME: Okay, cool. My blog is about capitalizing on all the opportunities there are in life to flirt with people--but to be able to do that best, I'm learning, I have to feel happy and confident! Any tips on how to improve self-esteem?
GRETCHEN: By doing things that you consider worthwhile or admirable. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Or, if you don’t have time, sign up to be an organ donor. It takes you 10 seconds to register and you could potentially save seven lives! Do things that you would respect in other people and you will gain self-respect. For instance, if you wish people would help you network to get a job, then help other people network. If you wish people would set you up, then set other people up.
ME: So funny—I’ve been doing a lot of that lately! (In fact, I just introduced my adorable hair dresser to someone!) And people really appreciate it. And I feel good about it, too.
GRETCHEN: See?
There are also self-contained things you can do to feel better about yourself. Like:
-Get up every morning a little early to go for a run—and stick to your new exercise routine.
-Quit smoking.
-Pay down your credit card.
Do things that you can respect—and you’ll have more respect for yourself. It’s that simple.
The Rise of Anal Sex
I may shock you today as I delve into a topic that is, to be honest, slightly out of my comfort zone: anal sex between men and women.
But I was reading Slate yesterday — they have a great column called "Human Nature" that I like — and I came across a piece that reported on a new national sex survey that was recently published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
The precis: We're all having more sex, and more kinds of sex than ever before, and we're getting sexually active at younger ages. But the "big story," as Slate writer William Saletan puts it, is anal sex! In 1992, a similar survey found that 16 percent of women aged 18-24 had tried it. Now the number is more like 40 percent. And in 1992, the highest percentage of women in any age group who admitted to anal sex was 33 percent. Now it's 46.
Saletan goes on to say: "The last time I looked at the anal sex data, I figured that most women who reported having done it meant they'd tried it just once. I was wrong. … One-third of these women say they've done it in the last month. Among all women surveyed, the number who reported anal sex in their most recent sexual encounter was three percent to four percent. That's a lot of butt sex. And remember, this is what women are reporting. If anything, they're probably understating the truth."
So, he wonders, what's the deal? Why are women so into it?
In the hopes of answering that question, he checks out the orgasm data and finds: "Among women who had vaginal sex in their last encounter, the percentage who said they reached orgasm was 65. Among those who received oral sex, it was 81. But among those who had anal sex, it was 94. Anal sex outscored cunnilingus." [You can read the data for yourself if you don't believe it: Table 5, Pages 357-8.]
"What could explain this?" Saletan asks. "Taboo thrill? Clitoral migration? Some new kind of vegetable oil?"
Giving the data another go, he finds that 86 percent of women who had anal also had vaginal sex, 72 percent also received oral sex, and 31 percent also had partnered masturbation. As he puts it, "The more sex acts a woman engaged in during the encounter, the more likely she was to report orgasm. These other activities are what gave the women their orgasms. The anal sex just came along for the ride. ... Women who were getting what they wanted were more likely to indulge their partners' wishes. It wasn't the anal sex that caused the orgasms. It was the orgasms that caused the anal sex."
If anyone has thoughts about Saletan's conclusion — if anyone wants to argue that anal, in itself, is a sure-fire way for a woman to orgasm, or is immensely more pleasurable than other bedroom activities — please give us the low-down.
I myself have never tried that method, and I have ZERO interest in it. I can't see how it would be anything but very painful, and I'd prefer not to find out just how painful it might be. However, I may be slightly prudish. As I've said a bunch of times now, I don't even like giving blow jobs.
Perhaps it's worth adding that contrary to popular belief, anal sex is not the wildest sexual fantasy of every single man in the world. Plenty of the guys I've dated, who seem to have healthy libidos and to be liberal thinkers about sexuality, were not into it.
Ladies, if any of you want to tell me what I'm missing, or correct me or back me up on any point here, please do!
Do Women Only Like Powerful Men Because of Evolution?
1. Women look for men who are "socially dominant."
Today's women "may be shooting up the career ladder and earning more than the men in their lives, but when it comes to relationships, men still hold the trump card," Neave claims. "I study patterns of behavior dating back to the first human societies and constantly analyze evidence that demonstrates the key differences which have developed between the sexes since men were hunter-gatherers and women were child bearers. Females are smaller and weaker than males, so, in prehistoric times, women and their offspring were prone to being the victims of predators and violence. They needed the support and protection of men who didn't just have brute force but also had social status in the group, either through their sheer physicality or the strength of their personality. That's why women still look for a mate of higher social standing. If a woman had a relationship with a socially dominant male, she would immediately get greater access to resources because her social standing would be elevated, too. As we shall see, modern surveys consistently show that women today ape [no pun intended?] those inherent characteristics by looking for partners who are socially dominant and have the respect of their peers, paying close attention to how men interact with, and are treated by, other men."
2. Men look for women who are young.
"Men have a different reason for choosing a mate," Neave continues. "The caveman needed to be sure he was raising a child who was genetically his. The best way of doing this was to secure a mate and guard her so she didn't get the chance to stray. A man's natural instinct may be to have sex with a different woman every day, but to safeguard his relationship (and secure his progeny), he has been forced into a pattern of monogamy. When couples meet at speed-dating events, typically a man will judge a woman on her looks and youth. His priorities are whether she's healthy, interested in sex, and can give him children one day. He doesn't care how much she earns or her social status. Typically, however, a woman's first question will be: 'What job do you do?' It sounds a friendly overture, but what she really wants to know is his social position and earning capacity. Is he an industrious, hard worker, capable of providing for her and their children? Because of his power, even the ugliest politician on the planet has women lining up to go to bed with him... As American statesman Henry Kissinger put it: 'Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.'"
3. Women will pick the powerful over the sexy.
Neave goes on to quote a study in which the researchers (from Syracuse University and University of Toledo) presented women with photographs of men. The first group, described as doctors, wore designer ties, smart shirts, and sported Rolex watches. The second wore plain shirts and Swatch watches and were described as teachers. The third group wore Burger King uniforms. Women repeatedly picked doctors as potential boyfriends — even though many of the men in the third category were actually more handsome.
Says Neave: "Quite simply, to women, a man's looks are less important than earning power and social standing."
Why evolutionary psychology bugs me.
I'm skeptical. I have mixed feelings about evolutionary psychology. On the one hand, it can help to explain some interesting stuff. On the other hand, it can be tiresomely reductive — and certain evolutionary psychologists can strike me as just as caveman-like as the cavemen they seem so interested in.
I mean, speaking for myself, as much as I'll take a multimillionare, sure, what I like even more are baby firemen. In other words, power doesn't turn me on one bit — unless it's coupled with youthful good looks! I am not at all hot for men who look "distinguished," i.e., "older." And I have to say, if anything is biologically programmed into me — or instinctual — I think it's my predilection for young men. Because hell knows I am aware that they are no good for me.
Another thing: Neave kind of glides from his point about prehistoric women liking men who were physically strong and had brute strength to the bit about how men with higher social standing also helped our progenitors survive — which, according to him, makes the case that women still like socially dominant men. But ... well ... what about physically strong men? Sure, the men who will most help us survive in today's world don't need brute strength — a great job is a better signal that they will be a good mate. But, if our prehistoric brains were really controlling us so much, wouldn't we still look for the brute strength? Wouldn't we still find that most attractive? But according to the evolutionary psychologists, we women don't care about a hot physique in our men, because if we did we'd all be salivating over the youngsters and the gym addicts. Instead, we are much more likely to choose powerful politicians, sexy old-man writers, and Woody Allens over some dumb hottie on the elliptical.
If you ask me, a woman is responding to a certain amount of personal greed — and societal pressure — more than any biological instinct when she picks a not-so-hot but rich old man over some sexy younger guy. Because she knows that men — for reasons that probably have something to do with biology but also certainly have a lot to do with cultural standards and societal pressures — prefer young women. So she figures she may as well get while the getting is good, and have a big stash of cash — and plenty of plastic surgery, courtesy of his credit card — by the time her old man dies.
Sure, this is a pretty extreme example ... but caveman are pretty extreme, too!
What do you guys think?
I think I need more coffee.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)